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LonelySoul79's Journal
20 most recent entries

Date:2012-06-19 11:02
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: crushed

When I said I would love you forever, I meant it.

Obviously you did not.....

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Date:2011-07-18 00:32
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative

It's lonely in the valley of your heart......

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Date:2007-05-11 06:05
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: confused

Breaking news....I'm fucked up. But aren't we all? The sadness, the pain and the confusion are palpable. I think I get why drug addicts do what they do. I would love the sweet relief of numbness, emotional that is. Too bad (too good) I could never bring myself to that point. I tell myself thier is a reason it hurts. A reminder of the sweetness that existed prior to this moment, a reminder to take the bad but remember the good. No one has ever said it better than Tori Amos "If I could take 25 minutes out of the record book....."

I should drink less....I have turned into the annoying, emotional drunk girl.

Peace

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Date:2007-05-08 04:51
Subject:What will your headstone say?
Security:Public
Mood: depressed

Life is like a chess game, you spend too much time contemplating your next move and for what....I was in my car, in quiet contemplation earlier today and my mind was reeling with thoughts of what bills to pay, what I could have done to better so a patient wouldn't treat me like shit, what to cook for dinner and all the other bullshit that takes our mind hostage. Then I realized...when I die, it isn't going to say on my headstone: "She always paid her bills on time." "She took abuse with a smile" "She made a great pot roast." No...none of that shit matters. What am I going to do with my life to mark my existence on this planet for the rest of time? What are you going to do? What are people going to remember you for when you are flower fertalizer? Thank God tomorrow is a new day.....

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Date:2007-04-02 03:06
Subject:Complex Men
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative

Well LJ...here I am. Living my life like an insomniac; awake when the earth is black, sleeping when it comes to life. I mean it is no wonder I spend hours in contemplation....I am awake when the only thing to keep me company is my brain and infomercials telling me what a laZy cow I am.

So the conclusion I have come to is that I am a cliche. I am drawn to men who are complicated assholes. Sad....

Matty has reappeared after 3 years of marital bliss to a woman who couldn't handle the threat of little ole me. And he's back....and we are back to being friends...back to the same shit just different day (or year in this case). It's complicated, it always has been. But I am glad I had time and some clarity to really figure what I felt for Matt.

Then there is Matt (yes, I attract the Matt's). He is such an asshole. I mean, I really try to be friends with this kid and he is like a wall. He has a huge ego which I am convinced is just trying to hide his low self-esteem, his attitude is "fuck you, fuck everything." But I can't help but be drawn to him.....he is so frickin smart (and I must confess, he looks a lot like Tom). It is like a magnet of intrigue that just sucks me in. I am seriously considering ending this friendship because it is trying but sometimes, an hour of asshole is so worth the 5 minutes of super intelligence he shocks me with.

And the thing that is even more bizzare is that not only have I not lived up to the sterotypical -- get married, get fat and ugly -- Marriage has actually made me skinnier and hotter (who woulda thunk). But here I am, 27...almost 28....living like I am 21 all over again. Going to the bars several nights a week to "hang out," drinking until I puke, sleeping in my clothes. I won't lie....I am having the best fuckin time. I need it though. I have felt dead on the inside since dad died. I need this to heal, to feel colorful, to really live.

Then on the opposite end of the spectrum is my wonderful husband, Jay. He is not a complicated asshole. Or maybe we've just been together long enough that I know his complication and can plan accordingly. He is my saving grace everyday.

Until we meet again.....

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Date:2006-12-04 05:02
Subject:Restricted Caller
Security:Public
Mood: with myself

So....here I waited 4 years to have this conversation. Honestly believing it would never happen, yet you finally called. And what happens? I participate in a conversation so superficially guided with an occasional moment of the gut-wrenching honesty I have so been desiring to share with you. Ughhh...the thing is, I walked away from the conversation letting you have complete control of whether or not future conversations would occur, all the while knowing that I never really got to say what I wanted to say. I have still have so many questions. Maybe it was fear. I much prefer face-to-face because that way I can gauge how far I want to go. Let's hope I get another call so I can really have the conversation I need.....hell, I probably have at least another 4 years to prepare!!!

Peace

P.S. I have always wondered if you lurk and now that I know you google me I am even more curious. If you are lurking, you owe it to me to fess up!

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Date:2006-07-02 14:31
Subject:Looking for an explanation
Security:Public
Mood: annoyed

So...I am totally overthinking this situation, I know it. As a huge Sex & the City fan I of course needed to find some way to relate the show to this situation and here is what I have come up with:

Carrie and Aiden are at the cottage in the country, Big calls distressed and says he needs to see Carrie and is coming to the cottage. One thing leads to another and Big and Aiden are sitting at the kitchen table talking about Big's current girlfriend problems. Big says, "She can reach me....but I can't reach her, get it." He is talking about the fact that his current girlfriend can get ahold of him on the phone but he can never get ahold of her.

What fucked up way have I related this to my life you ask....

Well, I feel like "he" can reach me emotionally but I can't seem to reach him. Hence the random email from him yet the lack of response when I emailed him back.

Life is such emotional warfare!!
I guess him and I are destined to play this game for the next 60 years. To be honest, I can't say that I mind (even though it is driving me crazy)!!!

Peace out!

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Date:2006-06-30 17:57
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: confused

Why do I keep coming here?
Why do you keep coming here?
Why do I feel like an angst ridden teenager?
Will I ever stop thinking of you?
Will you ever stop thinking of me?
Why do we play this game?
Is this repairable?
I've said too much.........

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Date:2005-08-11 00:22
Subject:Oh, how little we change.....
Security:Public
Mood: restless

Wow...looking back at my journal, it amazes me that I have made such little progress from December 2002 up until now. I mean, I've made progress. Hell, my life sure has changed. I'm a homeowner, I am about to become someone's wife, I am 2 classes away from being a nurse but most of all, I am happy. But my feelings for you still lie below the surface. It's been almost 3 years since we last talked and I still have to convince myself every week not to call you. I always think to myself that my phone call would be with best intentions, just to make sure life is treating you kindly since I treated you so shitty! However, each time I think of calling I question what my real intentions are and decide I've done enough damage and should just leave you alone. With as much discovery as I have done, I am still unsure of what my intentions would be. I guess I believe that human connections are greater than some chance of paths crossing and merely providing a warm body until something better comes by or something creates a severence in the superficial bond. I want to believe that when you connect, no matter how ugly it gets, you connect for life. Not connection on a physical level but connection on a soulful level. No matter how ugly it got or how much damage was done...I still want to know that you are okay. I starve for the way you somehow encouraged me to be a mentally stimulated member of society. For God's sake, it has taken me 2 years to sit down and write something that is somewhat coherant to anyone with a brain. I feel mentally numbed. I guess it is safe to say that after pining away for a connection with you over the past three years, it will never change. I could live the next 75 years thinking about calling you every week. But I doubt I will ever pick up the phone. Why?? Because though I believe that a connection is forever, I fear you will merely answer the phone, hear my voice and hang-up.

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Date:2003-08-06 19:52
Subject:Have you missed me???
Security:Public

Well, hello journal....it has been quite some time.

I wonder whether the fact that I no longer update my journal on a daily basis is a reflection of my mental status. It seems that at my lowest points I spent all my time trying to find answers via my journal but now, at my highest times, I shy away from my journal. Hmmm....who knows.

Needless to say, life has been treating me well these days. It almost seems as if I have finally found my path. School is excellent, working is excellent, love is wonderful.

I still feel a great need to contact Tom and make some sort of peace. Not for us to be friends but to have some sort of finality and to leave him behind without a trace of guilt. I will never contact him though. Maybe it is fear of rejection....maybe it is fear of feelings that may still lurk below the surface. Yes, as you can see, I am still the same old analytical Jessica.

But as I said....life is great! Except the DAMN humidity!!!

Love always....Jess =)

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Date:2003-03-15 16:46
Subject:Questioning my sanity
Security:Public
Mood: annoyed

Life is good...fast paced, complicated, full and fulfilling yet there is always that one little string that still is tugging very slightly. Why? It's been 2 years...I don't love you...I love him....I don't want you....I want him...

Who knows, maybe it is all some fucked up pseudo-reality I am letting myself believe.

Why did God make women so damn analytical? It drives men insane and makes women insane!


So I ponder this question:

Would you have rather loved and lost...
or never loved at all?

Hmmm....never loved at all!!

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Date:2003-02-04 16:42
Subject:Always time to do the Humpty Dance
Security:Public
Mood: silly

Stop whatcha doin'
'cause I'm about to ruin
the image and the style that ya used to.
I look funny
but yo I'm makin' money see
so yo world I hope you're ready for me.

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Date:2002-12-14 22:56
Subject:The way things are these days
Security:Public
Mood: sad

I saw you tonight....

I saw you long before you saw me...
and a sudden rush of thoughts, do I look until you look, do I stare at the ground, do I smile, do I say hi...
before I knew it, your eyes caught mine...
WHAT TO DO???...
we both just looked away.

So this is what has come to be of the former "us" ....strangers exchanging a mere passing glance.

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Date:2002-11-07 23:34
Subject:God answers knee-mail
Security:Public
Mood: tired

Real love is about taking chances no matter what the outcome may be.

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Date:2002-10-30 22:52
Subject:We need to talk -GOD
Security:Public
Mood: sad

Here I am again, updating. My livejournal goes ignored for months and then, one day, I get inspired and keep updating and updating only to once again, ignore my livejournal....the cycle just repeats itself.

Matt and I have had some of the best conversations lately. I don't know what it can all be attributed to...maybe his loneliness on the road, maybe my new relaxed approach to our relationship, maybe his new view on life...who know, none the less, I get off the phone with him feeling so mentally stimulated.

We had this great conversation tonight about why we, the whole human race, have the ability to emerse ourselves so intensly in relationships and then one day, turn around and walk away like that part of our lives never existed. Example: Tom and I dated for 3 years and then one day, we both walked away and for the rest of our lives we will never know what happened to one another. Were we always this way? Are we suppose to be able to form such emotional attachments only to end things with complete detachment?

I don't know about you but this really upsets me.

Just something to think about.

P.S. Matty....I miss u...come home soon!!!!! =)

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Date:2002-10-30 00:45
Subject:Insight (Part II)
Security:Public
Mood: tired

Looking back on my recent writings, I realize that it may appear I have a preoccupation with Tom. By no means is that the case....

I cannot even begin to put my feelings for Jayce into words but I will say that Jay has provided me the kind of relationship that allows me to see the light as to why my relationship with Tom was what it was.

So don't misconstrue my words as an inability to get over Tom but more as me getting over Tom in a public venue, my journal.

This was just an FYI

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Date:2002-10-27 02:23
Subject:Insight
Security:Public
Mood: contemplative

I have been trying to figure out some confussing thoughts I have been thinking lately and here is the best way I can break it all down:

In regards to Tom:

I know that I no longer "love" him....how could I? I am sooooo in love with someone else.

I think the thing that perplexes me about Tom is that he had some sort of higher "power" (<---- using that term lightly) over me.

He was the one person that could bring me to the deepest of loves and the strongest of hates. He submerged me in life and brought me to the precipice of death.

It scares me but I can't help thinking about it....

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Date:2002-10-25 00:15
Subject:I never meant to do you wrong
Security:Public
Mood: sad

Woah is me....

I happened upon the Coldplay video for "Trouble" and memories flooded back to me as if the day I speak of was just yesterday.

I remember meeting for dinner for the first time in a really long time...
and a nervous reunion turned into an old pattern and before long, Max & Erma's was closing. It had been so long and it felt so good that we both were reluctant to part ways so we settle on more conversation at Silverman's. I drove. Your first ride in the Jeep. At Silverman's, a place that held happy memories of what once was, we talked, skimped together a couple bucks for some food and requested songs off the jukebox. And I played this song...and when it started, we both stopped whatever meaningless conversation that was happening and looked at each other. A conversation that was on such a light note suddenly turned serious. I confessed that this song really conveyed how I felt....you agreed it offered you the same understanding. I fought back tears. As I am right now as I write this. I wrote on a napkin that I loved you and I missed you. You smiled. And then the song was over and it was back to meaningless conversation.

It's amazing the power of a single memory....

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Date:2002-09-23 23:45
Subject:Note to self
Security:Public
Mood: annoyed

Is anybody listening anymore? Or have I bore you so badly that you no longer come to visit me? It shouldn't matter to me....this journal is for me, not the people.

My birthday wishes were few and far between....but that is okay. The people who mattered remembered. It is funny because up until this birthday, my birthday's have always been such an ordeal, presents, cake, candles, etc. But this year there was little fanfare. Mom payed some bills, Jen got me a card, Dad sent money, Grandpa sent a bond, the Reicherts sent lotto tickets, Jayce gave me daisy's.

Getting old sucks!!

Onto a more chipper note.....this weekend Jayce took me to the cottage up North and he planned a little surprise since I have been so down lately. I won't go into detail but he totally amazes me with the thoughfullness, kindness, patience, support and unconditional love he has for me. Once again I say, I must be the luckiest girl!!!

If anyone is listening....thank you

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Date:2002-09-16 00:09
Subject:
Security:Public

Happy Birthday to me!

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